Well, I lapsed on this blog.
I started it to try and avoid falling into depression, but the truth is that I fell and fell hard.
I should say that although my depression is recurring and often debilitating, I do not believe that it is a clinical depression, rather I believe it is circumstantial.
I have been to counseling in the past and the advice was always the same - leave your job, change your situation. And when I did, my depression flitted away to come again another day. It is for this reason that my depression has a name: My Circle of Error.
Because I feel it coming and I feel the same old feelings all over again.
So, in February I found myself here again, on my circle. It lasted most of the month. I struggled at work, I dropped out of my online bible study. I cried a lot on the phone with Darrin.
But with the change in seasons I began to feel better. I opened all the windows on one nice day and cleaned and cleaned. I bought baby rats. I bought food to eat. And through it all I kept going to church.
My relationship with God was progressing. I had accepted a lot of the things that I had previously railed against - like the fact that God cares for me and has a plan in my life, and I often felt at home in Church.
But still I was holding out. Because for all that I had begun to trust God with in my life - I did not trust him with my husband. I did not want to let go of the belief that my plans for my husband were much better than God's plans for him... mostly because I believed that God would take him away from me if I should let go.
But, as I talked with Darrin, and as I slipped ever deeper into the ocean of faith, I began to notice something.
Whenever I pulled back from God and blocked him from my husband, I felt the same pain in my head as I do when I am depressed. The negative feelings came from the same place in my brain. I told Darrin... "I think if I was able to trust God completely then I wouldn't get depressed anymore."
He said, "I know you wouldn't."
It was the first step on the mental journey to let go.
It took a few weeks, but eventually I was able to say, "Okay God. I know that my husband already gave his life to you, but I'm going to give it to you as well."
Can you guess what happened next?
God blew my mind. Because soon Darrin called me and was telling me things that I had never even considered possible. That he would be coming home early, and that he was going to be reassigned so that he would never have to deploy again.
It is amazing.
